My last post was in October of 2009. I'm not going to lie and say I got busy, I'm going to be honest and say that the kind of Christianity I was living at that time was not working for me. I'll go into it and elaborate at some point soon but I was basically confined with legalism and felt stifled and unlike myself so I stopped. I never stopped believing in God at all but I felt as though I couldn't be myself, I couldn't reconcile who I was or am with who I thought I was supposed to be as a godly young woman. A worthy Christian. And I didn't know how to change it or seek God on my own after what had started the whole legalistic thing in the first place I couldn't just ignore what I was taught that summer and still try to follow Jesus. I decided to take a step back, to try to love others but not try to get any more into it than that. Which I don't regret because I didn't know then what I know now and that was all I could do.

So that happened. It was shortly after that into early 2010 that I was in therapy, trying to wrestle with some issues with my dad (among many, many other things stemming from my childhood to what was currently wrong in my brain). In a nutshell, my parents divorced, my dad moved to Arizona where he started drinking heavily so at this time I struggled a lot with feelings of responsibility for him. That's one of my downfalls and blessings, my big huge heart. So I argued with myself trying to figure out how I could be there for him but at the same time it was too hard for me. I wasn't in a place where I could have a relationship with him and it not affect every part of my life and eat away at me. The guilt. The utter fear that something would happen to him and he would die alone. When they divorced I wrote my dad a letter telling him how much I loved him and that I would always be there for him, then in Colorado around this time my therapist, mom, and I came to the conclusion that I needed to let go. It wasn't like he was trying to have a relationship with me I just kept arguing that it was the Christian thing for me to do, that I needed to keep telling him I was there even if he didn't care or listen or return any sentiment but I couldn't do that so I decided to trust God. To put my dad in God's hands. Because I couldn't do it, I couldn't try to take care of my dad from another state and even though I didn't physically do anything it consumed my thoughts. It was a great and heavy burden. So I gave it to God and put it out of my mind knowing that eventually I would get to a point where I could have a relationship with him without sacrificing my own sanity and stability. And of course I hoped that in that time he would stop drinking, learn that that was what he needed to do to get his family back which is what he wanted most of all but alcoholism is a disease. So that's that.

Then in April of 2010 I went away to Art School in Denver and let me tell you, art school is a crazy, crazy place. And I was not prepared for what hit me. I did a lot of dumb things but I kept some core values close to my heart. I had a crazy college experience for a few months and I thank God that it was that brief and worse things didn't happen.

The end of July came, by this time my mom and sisters had moved to Kansas and my mom wanted me to visit so I did. July 27th I learned my dad had died a few days earlier, in his home. Shortly after this I moved to Kansas to be with my family. Then I met a guy, fell into some bad habits, and moved in with him. About a month and a half ago some old friends who live in Pennsylvania invited me to come visit for a week, my mom paid for the plane ticket so I did. The first few days almost to a week I couldn't wait to get back but slowly God changed my heart and I felt called to be here instead of Kansas because there was nothing for me in Kansas besides my mom. I was in a bad situation, doing unhealthy things, letting the pain and bitterness surrounding my dad's death stew inside while I numbed it with weed. I guess I should also mention I met the most amazing, godly, perfect for me, man. And he's the one, I knew it a few days after meeting him and he has helped me so much. Just by being himself and loving me so fully him and our relationship has helped me start to restore my faith in God. To start to feel loved again by Him. To see this path before me and have Christ meet me every step of the way. I wasn't even looking to get "right with God" and he met me, he laid out this new life and people and it's been amazing partly because I didn't even ask for it. He just gave it to me.

So that's where I am. I'm sleeping on a couch, having about $15 to my name and no job, but things have never been better. Truly. I'm not saying I don't get stressed out (for multiple reasons including the fact I'm without psychiatric medication for anxiety for the first time since I was about 7 years old) and want to bang my head on things and cry, because that has happened. But ultimately the more I trust God the more he reveals himself. Every single day, and not in obscure little ways. In big ones. And I'm happy.

So therefore I figured I should start writing in this blog again.