My last post was in October of 2009. I'm not going to lie and say I got busy, I'm going to be honest and say that the kind of Christianity I was living at that time was not working for me. I'll go into it and elaborate at some point soon but I was basically confined with legalism and felt stifled and unlike myself so I stopped. I never stopped believing in God at all but I felt as though I couldn't be myself, I couldn't reconcile who I was or am with who I thought I was supposed to be as a godly young woman. A worthy Christian. And I didn't know how to change it or seek God on my own after what had started the whole legalistic thing in the first place I couldn't just ignore what I was taught that summer and still try to follow Jesus. I decided to take a step back, to try to love others but not try to get any more into it than that. Which I don't regret because I didn't know then what I know now and that was all I could do.

So that happened. It was shortly after that into early 2010 that I was in therapy, trying to wrestle with some issues with my dad (among many, many other things stemming from my childhood to what was currently wrong in my brain). In a nutshell, my parents divorced, my dad moved to Arizona where he started drinking heavily so at this time I struggled a lot with feelings of responsibility for him. That's one of my downfalls and blessings, my big huge heart. So I argued with myself trying to figure out how I could be there for him but at the same time it was too hard for me. I wasn't in a place where I could have a relationship with him and it not affect every part of my life and eat away at me. The guilt. The utter fear that something would happen to him and he would die alone. When they divorced I wrote my dad a letter telling him how much I loved him and that I would always be there for him, then in Colorado around this time my therapist, mom, and I came to the conclusion that I needed to let go. It wasn't like he was trying to have a relationship with me I just kept arguing that it was the Christian thing for me to do, that I needed to keep telling him I was there even if he didn't care or listen or return any sentiment but I couldn't do that so I decided to trust God. To put my dad in God's hands. Because I couldn't do it, I couldn't try to take care of my dad from another state and even though I didn't physically do anything it consumed my thoughts. It was a great and heavy burden. So I gave it to God and put it out of my mind knowing that eventually I would get to a point where I could have a relationship with him without sacrificing my own sanity and stability. And of course I hoped that in that time he would stop drinking, learn that that was what he needed to do to get his family back which is what he wanted most of all but alcoholism is a disease. So that's that.

Then in April of 2010 I went away to Art School in Denver and let me tell you, art school is a crazy, crazy place. And I was not prepared for what hit me. I did a lot of dumb things but I kept some core values close to my heart. I had a crazy college experience for a few months and I thank God that it was that brief and worse things didn't happen.

The end of July came, by this time my mom and sisters had moved to Kansas and my mom wanted me to visit so I did. July 27th I learned my dad had died a few days earlier, in his home. Shortly after this I moved to Kansas to be with my family. Then I met a guy, fell into some bad habits, and moved in with him. About a month and a half ago some old friends who live in Pennsylvania invited me to come visit for a week, my mom paid for the plane ticket so I did. The first few days almost to a week I couldn't wait to get back but slowly God changed my heart and I felt called to be here instead of Kansas because there was nothing for me in Kansas besides my mom. I was in a bad situation, doing unhealthy things, letting the pain and bitterness surrounding my dad's death stew inside while I numbed it with weed. I guess I should also mention I met the most amazing, godly, perfect for me, man. And he's the one, I knew it a few days after meeting him and he has helped me so much. Just by being himself and loving me so fully him and our relationship has helped me start to restore my faith in God. To start to feel loved again by Him. To see this path before me and have Christ meet me every step of the way. I wasn't even looking to get "right with God" and he met me, he laid out this new life and people and it's been amazing partly because I didn't even ask for it. He just gave it to me.

So that's where I am. I'm sleeping on a couch, having about $15 to my name and no job, but things have never been better. Truly. I'm not saying I don't get stressed out (for multiple reasons including the fact I'm without psychiatric medication for anxiety for the first time since I was about 7 years old) and want to bang my head on things and cry, because that has happened. But ultimately the more I trust God the more he reveals himself. Every single day, and not in obscure little ways. In big ones. And I'm happy.

So therefore I figured I should start writing in this blog again.

Phil Wickham (Philip)

One of my favorite songs.
One of my favorite musicians.

I saw him at Heavenfest in June and it just blew me away, he's terribly amazing live. I can't say that very many artists sound the same or better performing live as they do on their cd's.
Even better than the hobros (Jobros)(Jonas Brothers) plus it was without the jumping and fire and screaming that allowed me to scream in my sister's ear yet neither one of us could hear any of what I said.
The screaming, it just, it became so loud and high that it simply reached the maximum decibel possible in the world and made all other sounds mute as it lingered there in a kind of white noise.

But enough about that sillyness

I had to listen to this song quite a few times before it really hit me. He talked about it at Heavenfest, about how he just put it on the album but later really started to love it and since it's what my t-shirt says I figured I should give it a try.
And one day last week I was driving to school with it on and tears just started streaming down my face.
And I got it.
I coudn't force it to happen earlier, or make myself love it. I've had the album for over a year but never gave it a second thought.
It's like we know all thse Bible verses but sometimes when we hear them at just the right time it's like discovering something brand new and painfully relevent in our life right at that moment or week or season.

Basically the two people who read this blog both know what this is so I don't really feel the need to set it up besides the fact that I'm supposed to list 10 honest things about myself.
Most things I say about myself are true...so I suppose just the super duper true things? I dunno, I'll just go with the first that pop into my head.

1. I have a really hard time worshiping in church if I feel like I've been a jerk recently, that day or immediately beforehand and I can't worship until I try to get that cleared up with God. Otherwise I feel like a complete fraud.

2. I really love my cat more than I think almost anyone truly understands. She's my child, I would give her a kidney, the is the screen-saver on my phone and the light of my life. Her name is Lillie Angelina by the way. I have a few possible tattoo ideas for her.

3. I identify with a character on the great show that is One Tree Hill more than any other character in visual or written form. When she cries, I cry and sometimes that's the only way I can get my emotions out. She helps me work through them. I know this sounds crazy and/or cheesy.

4. I could eat Chick-fil-a every single day of my life.

5. More than anything else these are the things I want most out of my life here on earth- to get married to my dream guy. That one that I don't think would ever notice me but he does and he loves me and I completely trust him and he truly loves the Lord but is also "off-beat" and real and strong (and I could go on and on gushing) I can't even fully imagine that.
To have at least one baby (I'm so excited to be pregnant!) and also adopt.
To make art or write things that move people and serve God and make a difference in someone's life. To possibly come to the place where I can make and enjoy making art and/or writing for a living. I want to use who I am, who I am uniquely and awkwardly for Him.

6. The other more important ongoing life goal is less physical. I want to feel truly and deeply without a doubt constantly connected with my Lord. To be able to worship and live for him without this film of self awareness I can't seem to shake for more than a few minutes at a time.

7. I would rather have a car accident than injure or kill an animal with my car. People say that everyone hits a deer at one time or another where I live. I pray and hope that that never happens to me because it will haunt me. I slow down for squirrels so that will probably end up in a collision someday as well.

8. I've seen "A Walk To Remember" more times than you have. I have lost count but it has to be at least 50 times. It's kind of sad.

9. I love watching intelligent, fictional crime shows such as "Criminal Minds" and learning random facts. Like last night I learned that 94% of arsonists are male, 75% are white and only 14% are caught, usually only after 30+ fires though.

10. I feel out of place and awkward in pretty much every social situation no matter where I am.


Wow that was so much longer than ya'lls. Blab blab blab.
I'm sorry I haven't been active on here recently, I've been dealing with a lot of family issues and personal issues and haven't felt like I was in the place to try and be any kind of example for Christ on this blog.

Precious Grace by Makoto Fujimura

"Each of us bear the fingerprints of our Creator’s Image and central to God’s Image is the first verb He uses in His introduction of Himself in Genesis 1:1: He created. We believe our creativity is to be a fundamental part of our life of worship – as individuals but also as a community. Therefore we yearn to celebrate God’s creativity – and ours – as a worshiping community by being creative and taking risks while refusing to seek security in suffocating predictability."

Via the Worship Arts section of my church's website from their upcoming conference.

Worship is not just singing, it's not just music. It's every art form, all the talents God has given us to use in praising Him. That's what the conference is about, learning how to incorporate (almost) all of our forms of expression and art into our worship.
I'm so excited. I'm going to learn how to use my art FOR God! Something that I love FOR Him. I never really thought you could do that, aside from painting pictures of what we think Jesus looks like, you know? Never did I imagine I could paint, draw, sketch for Him. I thought that was my "hobby."
An actual expression of praise in the form of paint, dance, acting, anything.

"E pluribus unum," meaning "Out of many, one" in Latin.

I ran across this phrase in one of my school books, Sociology I think. It's apparently represented on many US coins though I've never personally noticed.
What stood out to be though was the multitude of meanings it encompasses. Though not its original meaning, I took it as something that can very much be used to describe who we are or should be in Christ.
A lily among thorns- out of many, one.


I haven't been updating recently partly because I've been busy and have had to use a day planner for the first time in my life, and partly because I realized no one reads this besides me. But even if that is true, it really helps me to put things in here, for my own personal use. To remember, to study, to reflect on, to live by. And for any of the other girls who do read this I thank you and I am delighted to share this journey with anyone who cares to join or observe or anything else. I wish I came off as this graceful and poised and gentle in person!

The Vision

a poem by Peter Greigs


So this guy comes up to me and says,
"What's the vision? What's the big idea?"

I open my mouth and words come out like this...
The vision?
The vision is JESUS:obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones?I see an army.

And they are FREE from materialism -they laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday. They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix,the way the West was won.
They are mobile like the wind,they belong to the nations,they need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free,yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose that they might one day win the great..
"Well done" of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don't need fame from names.
Instead they grin quietly upwards
and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"

And this is the sound of the underground,
the whisper of history in the making,
foundations shaking,
revolutionaries dreaming once again.
Mystery is scheming in whispers,conspiracy is breathing...
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed -young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain."
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners.
Martyrs. Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays like a dying man with groans beyond talking,with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and great barrow loads of laughter!

Waiting.Watching: 24 - 7 - 365.

Whatever it takes they will give:
Breaking the rules,
shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide,
laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs,
laughing at labels, fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mold them.
Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.
On the outside?
They hardly care!

They wear clothes like costumes: to communicate and celebrate, but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives,
swap seats with the man on death row,
guilty as hell:a throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears,
with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)Their subconscious sings.
They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdos!
Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes!

They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow,
Mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the Hound of Heaven
and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is His today.
My distant hope is His 3-D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great "Amen!" from countless angels,
from hero's of the faith, from Christ himself.

And He is the original dreamer,
the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.

Really good worship, when it's loud and it wraps around you and you're among hundreds of people also worshiping at that exact same time, is when I feel God. It's when all doubt and sadness fall away because I stand there and I can't deny the chill bumps I get on my arms or the tears that are coming to my eyes.
Right now my favorite is "Mighty to Save." So here it is in the form of a cute teddy bear. Crank 'er up.